Sunday, November 16, 2008

There are no words

After 365 days, I can no longer find the right words. I truly believe that's because the words don't exist. I miss my husband....his smile, his smell, his disdain for the telephone and reality tv. I miss how much he loved his children, the beach, his dogs, his family, his friends, his employees, and of course me. We get up every single day and continue forward, that is how Pat would not only want it to be, but demand it. For those of you who thought we had it "all", you were right and you still are right. Right in the fact that we are all healthy,that we have each other, we have a roof over our heads, and have the unconditional love of family and friends. We do not miss a single chance to make a memory, you shouldn't either. Our pain cannot be cured. We have put a band aid on it and keep plugging away. I am so fortunate, Pat was "it" for me. I know we got along like oil and water, total opposites, butted heads time and time again. Be it stubbornness, tenacity or whatever you want to call it, we just refused to give in. I think I'll call it love. Brady, Brock and Chloe continue to amaze me. For those of you who work with Brady, you will know what I mean when I say OMG!!!! Could he be more like Pat? He has stepped in and become a strong contributor at the shop. I am so proud of him. Brock had to face another soccer setback, with an injury that kept him out the entire season. Silver lining...the coaches granted him a red shirt and he gets to travel with the team to Costa Rica. He has the gift of resilience. Miss Chloe is loving the college life. I think she had 4 best friends before we were done unpacking her! She says everyone loves her and look to her to provide the fun, she's so modest just like her mama! I know Pat is beaming with pride as he watches his children live their lives with such strength and grace.
The Smith Family is going to take it one day at a time, that's the best we can do. We will miss Pat today, tomorrow and forever.
I will close with this sentiment that I found on another website. It pretty much should sum it up for all of us.
" I will travel empty handed.
There is not a single thing
I have collected in my life
That I would ever want to bring
The love of those who loved me,
and the warmth of those who cared.
The happiness and memories and
magic that we shared.

Much love and blessings for a happy, healthy life.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Dear Pat

Dear Pat,
It was exactly two years ago today that all our lives were changed forever. I remember that phone call so clearly. The fear but strength in your voice as you told me you had leukemia. I remember doubling over, not able to breathe and this undistinguishable gutter cry that came out of my mouth. You reeled me right back in and assured me we would work it out. You never waivered from that belief.
Now, two years later....I still have a hard time believing you are not here. I don't just miss you, I long for you. An hour doesn't pass that I am not in some way reminded of you. Whether it be a song on the radio, a photograph, a certain smell or just someplace we would go together.
I can't begin to wrap my arms around what the past two years must have been like for you. You were such a pillar of strength and so, so certain the leukemia was never coming back. I remember you telling me not to worry, that you had told the leukemia not to come back. Just you saying that gave me such peace because I knew what a determined person you were. To say I admire your brave fight just doesn't seem to give it justice, I can't find the words, I will simply say I am in awe.
I know you lovingly watch over us, and I'm sure you are beaming with pride as our children continue to thrive and live their lives with as much strength and courage they can muster. Brady and Becky are now engaged and have chosen their wedding date as the day you and I met (without knowing, mind you). Brady has developed a passion for AHAB that I'm sure makes you so thrilled and proud. Brock has fought tooth and nail to stay in good standing in college and with his soccer team. He has had a tougher time doing this while not actually living with his family, but he is a fighter like you. Chloe continues to amaze me, so strong and compassionate. As she heads off to college next year, like all milestones in our lives now, it will be bittersweet.
Although you are not here physically, you are such a huge part of our daily lives. We have become accustomed to asking ourselves when faced with a decision, "What would dad do?" It gives us so much comfort to do things that would make you happy.
Please know that although I am not alone, I am lonely for you. I miss nagging you, teasing you, calling you for every little thing, and turning to you for advice....I know I didn't always take it, but at least I asked!
In the coming days, months and years I will continue to look to you for guidance. I know now how precious every moment spent with a loved one is, I thank you for that gift. I thank you for battling for us, for the wonderful 10 months of remission, for bringing back those feelings we had when we first met. Where it didn't matter what we did as long as we were together. Our Sunday walks on the beach are missed so much, those were the best.
Please know that we are going to be "fine" here, not the same but "fine." For the simple reason that we have love, laughter and memories, the three most important things that the FIVE of us built.
If there was anything, anything at all that would bring you back, the line would be neverending of people willing to do anything. You were and are loved that much. But like you would always say "It is what it is." We know you've got our backs, one foot in front of day at a time.
Sending you love and kisses.